In the midst of exhaustion and business I found it impossible to keep a blog while I was on my missions trip. Thankfully I was able to sketch a few journal entries for each day. These are the expanded experpts of my time in England. I hope you find them interesting, and in some small way inspiring.
July 31st. The day before departure. I woke up feeling not so 100% and seeing as how I was leaving for England the next day my parents let me stay home from church and sleep in to rest. I took a nap only to wake up to a fever, headache, sore throat, aches, chills...the whole shabang! So not ideal the day before a trip overseas. This sudden onset of the flu sent into questioning whether or not God was telling me I couldn't go anymore. It soon became clear to me that it was an attack of the enemy. Satan wanted me to be discouraged. But thanks to the positive words and nursing hands of my wonderful sister, I was able to stagger through the day. I had high hopes that I would wake up feeling better the next day.
August 1st. Day of departure. No such luck. I woke up feeling pretty much the same so my mom took me to an Urgent Care Center and I saw a doctor. I had never been to this doctor before, but it's almost as if God wanted me to go to this particular one. I told him my dilemma was not only my flu symptoms but that I going to be flying to London within a few hours. He asked where I was going specifically and so I told him Cornwall and then London. He proceeded to tell me that he spent a lot of time Cornwall because he did his medical schooling in London! He told me that it was a beautiful place and that I was really going to enjoy it. That gave me hope and I probably smiled for the first time that day. He gave me a prescription and told me some over the counter meds to take too. I was out of the doctor's office by 9:00 am and by 10:00 I was heading to the church. I was still feverish and doing my best to be excited despite my discomfort. I staggered onto the bus. The wait in LAX was not so ideal because I was still battling the fever. Once Craig, one of our leaders, learned that I was sick he and a couple other team members laid hands on me and prayed for my recovery. That made me feel a little better. There really wasn't anything left to do but pray and hope the antibiotics would start working fast. I did my best to sleep on the plane, but it's always been hard for me to sleep any other place than a bed. I probably squirmed like a restless little worm. Thank God I was in between two of the sweetest team members. Thanks Ariel and Michelle for making the flight so pleasant! :)
August 2nd. About eleven hours later we landed in Heathrow Airport. The team cleared customs without a problem and we jumped on a bus that took us to the beautiful countryside of Cornwall. Our arrival was oh so sweet! The air was crisp and clean (I definitely was not! haha!) But the cottages were so quaint and heartwarming! Upon entering our cottage my roommates and I were pleased to discover a plate full of scones set alongside a bowl of jam and clotted cream. We made some tea and had a little party. It was a wonderful welcome to England, and I felt so British already! After that Liz and I went exploring with a few other girls. I was pleased to discover that we were on a working farm! There were sheep, cows, bunnies, goats, a goose, chickens, dogs, and a fiesty little cat that I decided to call Tiger. We took lots of pictures. I even got to spend a few moments watching the sunset. It was the most beautiful sunset that I had ever seen. And trust me, I have seen a lot of sunsets! I wish that I could describe it to you. Even the pictures I have posted don't do it justice. The sun's rays danced across the clouds in such a way that it spread out like a fan. There were so many layers of colors. What struck me the most was the silence around me. I had separated myself from the group and sat alone on a fence overlooking the pasture. No crickets, no breeze, just the soft footsteps of nearby sheep. After two days of hectic travel, the silence was golden indeed! I remember taking a deep breathe and whispering to the air, "I'm in England...Here we go."
Agust 3rd. First full day in England. We were able to sleep in a bit this morning. Prais God! It gave us time to explore a little more of our surroundings, and I am oh so glad that we did! I was still feeling sick, but the excitement of the new and sunny day overwhelmed me. A group of us gathered for a walk to the closest village called Chapel Amble. It was such a tiny little town! My absolute favorite part about it was a corn field that we discovered. Now, call me crazy, but it has been a desire of mine to run through a corn field for the longest time. The idea seemed so exhilirating! Every time I see the movie Signs I would get the urge to frolic in the stalks (minus the creep aliens of course.) To my delight we found an open one and oh boy did we run! Each stride I took filled my heart with joy. I was in England running through a corn field! I half expected Frodo and Sam to come running out with Merry and Pippin close behind. Oh, and did I mention that I pulled out my ipod and listened to the LOTR soundtrack as we frolicked? Die hard LOTR fan right here. ;)
And to add to my delight there was a nearby field of wildflowers. We frolicked some more and took in the beauty of nature. How lovely this morning felt. It was absolutely surreal walking down the lane. So picturesque; like a movie. This was one of those places where time seems to stand still. Nature seems to tell you to walk a little slower, breath a little deeper. I could feel God's voice saying, "Look, look what I have created. I created it for you to enjoy." I imagine that piece of satisfaction I felt is a little piece of the joy God felt at the beginning of creation where He saw what He made and said it was good. I wish I could bottle up that moment and carry it with me to relive again and again.
Alas our free time was soon spent and we gathered with our team to head to the site. Here we met the other half of our team from the UK. Listening to them talk about the festival made me so excited to be part of this endeavor. Phil, the director of the event, led us a on a prayer walk around the site. It's interesting how much collective prayer has become part of my life. I feel as if God is really trying to show me the power of prayer amongst believers. Whether that be with my family, church congregation, or in this case, my Creation Fest team, collective prayer is something that is very important. Coming together in agreement when asking for the Holy Spirit to dwell in and around us during the festival gave me confidence. We prayed that hearts would be won over, that the enenmy would not be able to enter this camp, and that all would be safe during the festival.
I must admit that my energy level had sunk at this point. I had spent all my energy that morning frolicking in the meadows of England. And to my surprise the weather had drastically changed! The mornning has just been warm and sunny, but when we arrived at the site the sun was hidden behind gray clouds and the wind picked up. So much so that I couldn't hear some of the prayers being said. So this was English weather, eh? I thought to myself. This should be interesting. Especially trying to get over the flu!
After we closed in prayer we headed straight to work. Everyone was given a different job to do. Some went to wash dishes, others to build the skate park, and then there was the group I was placed in...the group being sent out to pass out flyers for the event. Now to be honest, I was terrified! But it was the kind of terrified that made me excited about being forced out of my confort zone. At heart, I am really an incredibly shy person, so having to walk up to a perfect stranger in a foregn ountry and tell them about a Christian event was not one of my strong suits. However, I was not alone so that made the trek a little less intimidating. Two groups went into two different towns and from those groups we split off into smaller groups of 3 or 4. The goups I was in included my long time friend Liz, and my two new friends Briana and Lauren. We were given the little harbor town of Padstoe. Now Liz and Briana had spent some time there last year. While passing out flyers they met a woman who told them that she was engaged to be married to a Muslim who lived in Egypt. She really opened up to them and even went on to say that she had hever met this man! They had communicated through emails and phone calls and such. So Liz and Briana were bent on finding this woman to see if she had gone through with her plans. They knew where she worked in the town and made a b-Line for it! Lauren and I struggled to keep up for a while. The roads were tiny and steep. Not to mention I was trying not to step onto the wrong side of the street. We found her place of work, which was a tiny insurance company in the middle of a bustling harbor town filled with people on their holiday. At that moment we all were struck with the same question, "Now what?" Do we go inside and ask for her? Do we wait and see if she comes out? We only had an hour before we were supposed to meet back with the rest of our team, and we were supposed to be passing out flyers to people. The situation seemed a little hopeless. What were the odds of her still being here a year later? Then the door opened and I saw Liz and Bri stare at the woman walking out. Their perplexed faces grew into a smile as they realized it was her! She had dyed her air black apparantly, but still had the same haircut. She casually strolled down the street, cigarrette in hand, and disappeared around the corner. We all made note that she had no wedding ring on! We agreed she was probably on her break so we waited a few moments until she came back. But what a miralce this was! Literally two minutes after we arrive she walks out on her smoking break? Our first divine appointment! Liz and Bri were so excited. When she came back they reintroduced themselves and she remembered who they were! She told them to come back at 5 when she got off of work. This was perfect timing because that gave us about 45 minutes to pass out flyers and then head back to our team members. This perked me up a little bit. I could not believe that this had fallen so easily in our laps. And it didn't stop there. After a few failed attempts to get people to take flyers to the event, we gathered together on a corner and prayed for boldness and open doors. And from that moment it was like God told us who to approach with our flyers. Briana appraoched a street muscician and she turned out to a be a Christian! She wasn't going to be in town for the fetival, but she worked at a little ice cream shop so she agreed to take some flyers to spread around there and give to some family and friends in the area. Lauren and I spoke to a couple who also agreed to take some flyers and leave them in their Bed and Breakfast for others to see. Then we trekked into a random ice cream parlour in hopes that they would agree to take some flyers if we bought something first. This was yet another divine appointment. The man at the register told us that he and "the miss'" were planning on coming to the event anyway! They had heard about the event last year at a secular concert (a concert we later learned was banned from passing out Creation Fest flyers) and then gave their lives to the Lord that year! So he was more than willing to take the flyers and promote the event! It was awesome to see the joy in his eyes. That was the last stop of the day for Lauren and I. We headed back to tell our group that Liz and Bri would be a little delayed because of their appointment with the woman at the insurance office. When they caught up with us they told us that she had not married that man after all, and that she was really touched that the girls remembered her. They exchagned emails and became facebook friends. So with a little more prayer and diving intervention we hope to see her at the event next year.
When our cottage reconvened we shared stories about our day. One of our roommates led four people to Christ! We had a nice little dinner together, and I ended the night with a warm cup of tea. I was physically exhausted and my throat was burning up, but I was in complete amazement at what God had done already!
August 4th. First work day. We had worhip and a little devotion this morning. The worship was amazing! I felt like it was the first time I had had a real moment in a LONG time. I was in tears before the first song even ended. I could barely sing and I felt so sick, but there was this peace in my heart. I knew this is where I was supposed to be. All these months of saving every penny, taking on every shift possible, all the times I worried that I was never going to make enough money to go...all of that seemed to well up in me and I finally felt a release. I was here...sick and coughing up a storm, but I was here. Because I couldn't sing I was forced to really meditate on the words in the songs. I realized how bold our worship songs are. We make promises to serve forever, we surrender our hearts, abandoning everything because we recognize the huge price that was paid. For a moment I felt so unworthy to even dare worshipping the Lord. How dare I even approach His throne? Over and over again my promises are found to be empty because I live my life like I am serving myself. But then I remembered why I am able to approach His throne...Jesus Christ. He made the way. Without Jesus' willingness to say "Don't worry about it, I will make right what you have made wrong," I wouldn't even stand a chance in God's presence. It pleases God to see me at His feet. He doesn't see my empty promises and proclamations of loyalty. He says, "Come as you are. I will love you anyway." This humbling experience gave my heart strength even though my physical body didn't have any. We spent the day working odd jobs here and there in preparation for the festival. It's by the grace of God that I didn't quit half way through. There were about five of us working on decorating the Showcase Cafe, a kind of coffee shop where musicians would play their while the audience sat and chat. It took us four long hours to hang and tie the decorations. I am so thankful that I was with such joyful and hardworking team members! They made the time go so much faster.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Creation Fest Awaits!
Only 7 more days until I leave! I cannot believe it! It really hit me today when I bought my rain jacket, which is super hard to find in the middle of summer by the way. But this is something that I have been looking forward to for what seems like forever. Last summer I got the "missions trip bug." I knew that my soul wanted to go somewhere. England fell into my hands at just the right moment. And as the time to leave has come closer I have felt God impress upon my heart His will for me to go. But I must admit that making it thus far as been a struggle...
I started a countdown for this trip back when the days were in the 150's. When it got to 40 I made a promise to myself. In light of the fact that the number 40 is a Biblically themed number I thought it would be fitting for me to make something special of the last 40 days that I had left before the trip. I told myself that I was going to read my Bible more, spend more quality time with God, that I was going to read more theological books and brush up on my defense arguments. That way, when the time came for me to be bold, share my faith, or quote a Scripture then I would be ready! Well, true to it's form in the Bible, these last forty days have been days of trial. I feel like the enemy has thrown almost everything he's got at me. And I must confess that I feel like I have barely passed with the skin of my teeth. It has been a really hard past 40 days! From work, to family, to friends, to emotional ups and downs, as well as physical, I feel so exhausted! I manage to get some devotions into my day and I can honestly say that I am alive because of them. I am not yet downing, but my head is just above the water. I don't know what kind of refining for God is putting me through, but these series of events happening in the last 40 days before the trip make me feel like something great is at work here. I have no idea what awaits me in England but I am eager to see what it is! I am going to spend two weeks on the other side of the world where the ligh tof Christ is so desperately needed and wanted. Please pray for our team. Pray that there will be many, many divine appointments, and that we will heed the Lord's voice when He tells us to act, and even when He tells us not to. This is my first time going on this particular adventure and I want to make the most of it by taking in another culture and learning from it in every way possible. So please, also pray that despite the business and fatigue that we may be able to soak up what the Lord has for us like a sponge! And thank you to all of you who have encouraged me thus far. I can't wait to tell you all about the trip!
p.s. I am conventiently having a pool party at my house on the 20th so the trip will be fresh in my jet-lagged mind..so yeah, be there. :P
I started a countdown for this trip back when the days were in the 150's. When it got to 40 I made a promise to myself. In light of the fact that the number 40 is a Biblically themed number I thought it would be fitting for me to make something special of the last 40 days that I had left before the trip. I told myself that I was going to read my Bible more, spend more quality time with God, that I was going to read more theological books and brush up on my defense arguments. That way, when the time came for me to be bold, share my faith, or quote a Scripture then I would be ready! Well, true to it's form in the Bible, these last forty days have been days of trial. I feel like the enemy has thrown almost everything he's got at me. And I must confess that I feel like I have barely passed with the skin of my teeth. It has been a really hard past 40 days! From work, to family, to friends, to emotional ups and downs, as well as physical, I feel so exhausted! I manage to get some devotions into my day and I can honestly say that I am alive because of them. I am not yet downing, but my head is just above the water. I don't know what kind of refining for God is putting me through, but these series of events happening in the last 40 days before the trip make me feel like something great is at work here. I have no idea what awaits me in England but I am eager to see what it is! I am going to spend two weeks on the other side of the world where the ligh tof Christ is so desperately needed and wanted. Please pray for our team. Pray that there will be many, many divine appointments, and that we will heed the Lord's voice when He tells us to act, and even when He tells us not to. This is my first time going on this particular adventure and I want to make the most of it by taking in another culture and learning from it in every way possible. So please, also pray that despite the business and fatigue that we may be able to soak up what the Lord has for us like a sponge! And thank you to all of you who have encouraged me thus far. I can't wait to tell you all about the trip!
p.s. I am conventiently having a pool party at my house on the 20th so the trip will be fresh in my jet-lagged mind..so yeah, be there. :P
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Instead of counting sheep...
Well it's past midnight, and I am up as usual. So instead of tossing and turning in my bed I would like to take this opportunity to be thankful for some of the things going on in my life:
Thank you God for new friends. Life post grad leaves you feeling dry in lots of places in your life. You lose your rouitne and teh circle of friends that became your family. For me it really has been very hard to make friends at work because there is so little that we had in common. But being on the CreatioFest team has opened some new doors. I am making some really good friends, and I am having a blast with them! We are getting along so great and we are slowly expanding our after meeting hang out group so that is super exciting! I am thankful for these new peope because I get to hear new stories, learn new things, and make new memories.
Thank you God for the work that you are doing in my family. It has been a very slow and very painful process, but I am starting to see my family transform. We survived Father's Day. I cannot believe it! But we are actually working together, and leaning on each other. We are starting to be able to talk about really sensitive subjects and not let them get out of hand. I feel as though we are starting to get on the same page, and that God has something in store for all of us to take on as a family. I am grateful for the peace that has been residing in this house. There has been a change and that change has been the presence of the Holyu Spirit in our house. Please God, continue to reign in our lives!
Thank you God for the business. Even though I am still working on getting up before 10am, I am so grateful that I have things to do. It interesting how having tasks makes a person feel so much more useful and important. I have two jobs, a few rehearsals, weekly meetings for a missions trip, weekly Bible studies, and church. Even in the middle of all that I find some time to hang out with my friends and relax. Now that I think about it, life's not so bad for me right now.
Thank you God for bringing my dad a job. There has yet to be any monetary gain from this yet, but my dad has a few balls rolling in this real estate job as well as his advertising job. The other day I heard him getting up really early in the morning. I could hear his footsteps and I could tell he was wearing his dress shoes. When he came home that day he was wearing a professional, whie button up shirt, nice pants and his dress shoes. He was tired. I could tell, but I knew he felt good about himself. And I was so happy for him. Happy that he had a reason to get all spiffy and do his job. Also, an opportunity has come up for him to be a manager of a restaurant. Hopefully all the cards will fall into place. But as of righ tnow, thing are looking good for my dad in the job department. Thank you God! Please let that dry spell be over!
Thank you that I am learning how to not be a "dumb Christian." These Monday night sessions are exactly what I have been praying for. Who knew that that desire to be fed with intellectual defenses was going to be satisfied when I signed on for this team? I know more than ever that this is where God wants me. And even if I don't end up going on the trip because of the money, I am forever grateful for the resources that I now have at y fingertips. This is perfect!
Thank you God for new friends. Life post grad leaves you feeling dry in lots of places in your life. You lose your rouitne and teh circle of friends that became your family. For me it really has been very hard to make friends at work because there is so little that we had in common. But being on the CreatioFest team has opened some new doors. I am making some really good friends, and I am having a blast with them! We are getting along so great and we are slowly expanding our after meeting hang out group so that is super exciting! I am thankful for these new peope because I get to hear new stories, learn new things, and make new memories.
Thank you God for the work that you are doing in my family. It has been a very slow and very painful process, but I am starting to see my family transform. We survived Father's Day. I cannot believe it! But we are actually working together, and leaning on each other. We are starting to be able to talk about really sensitive subjects and not let them get out of hand. I feel as though we are starting to get on the same page, and that God has something in store for all of us to take on as a family. I am grateful for the peace that has been residing in this house. There has been a change and that change has been the presence of the Holyu Spirit in our house. Please God, continue to reign in our lives!
Thank you God for the business. Even though I am still working on getting up before 10am, I am so grateful that I have things to do. It interesting how having tasks makes a person feel so much more useful and important. I have two jobs, a few rehearsals, weekly meetings for a missions trip, weekly Bible studies, and church. Even in the middle of all that I find some time to hang out with my friends and relax. Now that I think about it, life's not so bad for me right now.
Thank you God for bringing my dad a job. There has yet to be any monetary gain from this yet, but my dad has a few balls rolling in this real estate job as well as his advertising job. The other day I heard him getting up really early in the morning. I could hear his footsteps and I could tell he was wearing his dress shoes. When he came home that day he was wearing a professional, whie button up shirt, nice pants and his dress shoes. He was tired. I could tell, but I knew he felt good about himself. And I was so happy for him. Happy that he had a reason to get all spiffy and do his job. Also, an opportunity has come up for him to be a manager of a restaurant. Hopefully all the cards will fall into place. But as of righ tnow, thing are looking good for my dad in the job department. Thank you God! Please let that dry spell be over!
Thank you that I am learning how to not be a "dumb Christian." These Monday night sessions are exactly what I have been praying for. Who knew that that desire to be fed with intellectual defenses was going to be satisfied when I signed on for this team? I know more than ever that this is where God wants me. And even if I don't end up going on the trip because of the money, I am forever grateful for the resources that I now have at y fingertips. This is perfect!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
'I'll do it tomorrow..."
I received some very sad new today. My neighbor across the street suffered a massive stroke last week and now the doctors and family have come to the conclusion that she will be taken off life support tomorrow.
She and her husband have been married for over 40 years. Both have been in and out of the hospital since my family have lived in this house. Because of that my Dad has offered his services to them for a number of things. From things like taking out their garbage cans to taking the newspaper they never ordered off their hands. This was to my delight because I have a fancy for the funny pages. About a month ago the wife approached my father with a handmade doily. She told him it was a gift for our family. He brought it home and showed it to me. It was the most intricate doily I have ever seen. I stared in awe of it's size and detail. My father went on to say that she wanted to teach ME how to make things just like this. She wanted to teach me how to crochet and knit too. I felt very honored to have been offered this opportunity. The thought of being taught these dying arts by someone who was well advanced in years and had lived through many historic things (Her husband was a Nazi youth. Don't worry, he has since changed his way of thinking) seemed very romantic and Anne of Green Gables-ish. I was sure I would learn a lot more from her than just how to work with my hands. I told myself that I would visit her the next day.
But I didn't....So I told myself I would go the next week.
But I didn't....Then one day I woke up and told myself I was going to visit her that afternoon.
But I didn't.
In fact, I never went over to her house.
Receiving the news that she will no longer be alive within a few hours has really shaken me up. I put it off too long. I probably wouldn't have become an expert at knitting, but I would have had the chance to spend some time with this woman who was kind enough to think of me as a prospective pupil. She wanted to bestow her knowledge onto me, but I never took advantage of it.
This has made me realize several things. First of all, it's a reminder that we are never promised tomorrow. It can all be taken away in a flash. We can die in a tragic car accident, crossing the street, or some other unfortunate event. But not only that. Someone else can be taken way just as easily. That one person we always see sitting my themselves. The one that you keep telling yourself you will introduce yourself to and get to know. That one co-worker who doesn't seem to fit in. Or even that really annoying family member that you tolerate during the holidays when you have to see them. They could be gone in an instant. And all the things that you wanted to say or take back, all the questions you wanted to ask or even to answer will remain untouched.
My heart is heavy with the realization that I let an opportunity like this slip by. It's a hard lesson to learn, but I know now that putting things off for tomorrow can be a viscous thing. So even though this note is a little bit of a downer I hope it inspires you to not procrastinate. Try to think of areas in your life where the doors has been opened but you have yet to walk through them. Take advantage of the time you have with the people around you.
Also, please keep my neighbor's family in prayer. They are preparing to say goodbye and it's going to be a very hard ordeal.
Thanks for reading.
-Jen
She and her husband have been married for over 40 years. Both have been in and out of the hospital since my family have lived in this house. Because of that my Dad has offered his services to them for a number of things. From things like taking out their garbage cans to taking the newspaper they never ordered off their hands. This was to my delight because I have a fancy for the funny pages. About a month ago the wife approached my father with a handmade doily. She told him it was a gift for our family. He brought it home and showed it to me. It was the most intricate doily I have ever seen. I stared in awe of it's size and detail. My father went on to say that she wanted to teach ME how to make things just like this. She wanted to teach me how to crochet and knit too. I felt very honored to have been offered this opportunity. The thought of being taught these dying arts by someone who was well advanced in years and had lived through many historic things (Her husband was a Nazi youth. Don't worry, he has since changed his way of thinking) seemed very romantic and Anne of Green Gables-ish. I was sure I would learn a lot more from her than just how to work with my hands. I told myself that I would visit her the next day.
But I didn't....So I told myself I would go the next week.
But I didn't....Then one day I woke up and told myself I was going to visit her that afternoon.
But I didn't.
In fact, I never went over to her house.
Receiving the news that she will no longer be alive within a few hours has really shaken me up. I put it off too long. I probably wouldn't have become an expert at knitting, but I would have had the chance to spend some time with this woman who was kind enough to think of me as a prospective pupil. She wanted to bestow her knowledge onto me, but I never took advantage of it.
This has made me realize several things. First of all, it's a reminder that we are never promised tomorrow. It can all be taken away in a flash. We can die in a tragic car accident, crossing the street, or some other unfortunate event. But not only that. Someone else can be taken way just as easily. That one person we always see sitting my themselves. The one that you keep telling yourself you will introduce yourself to and get to know. That one co-worker who doesn't seem to fit in. Or even that really annoying family member that you tolerate during the holidays when you have to see them. They could be gone in an instant. And all the things that you wanted to say or take back, all the questions you wanted to ask or even to answer will remain untouched.
My heart is heavy with the realization that I let an opportunity like this slip by. It's a hard lesson to learn, but I know now that putting things off for tomorrow can be a viscous thing. So even though this note is a little bit of a downer I hope it inspires you to not procrastinate. Try to think of areas in your life where the doors has been opened but you have yet to walk through them. Take advantage of the time you have with the people around you.
Also, please keep my neighbor's family in prayer. They are preparing to say goodbye and it's going to be a very hard ordeal.
Thanks for reading.
-Jen
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The FREEway.
Today has been an interesting day. Though somewhat uneventful I thought I should share a few of the random things that have passed through my brain today.
For one thing, I drove on the freeway for the first time. SO FREAKIN' SCARY!!!! Haha. It doesn't help that there isn't a freeway close to my house. I had to change freeways four times just to find my way back to Whittier. Then I have to get back on the regular streets and take all these back hill streets to get back in my neighborhood. Getting to my house is such a chore! Now I get why everyone gets lost whenever they come to my house for the first time. Haha.
It was a rather long escapade. But before I hopped on the 57 I started praying. I said, "God, please don't let me and my dad die. Help me not to mess up and kill anyone either." Then I started to imagine what life would be like if me and my dad did die. At first I thought, Jeez that would be a really horrible way to go. I could hear the news report on TV. "A young lady and her father were killed in a 7 car pile up on the free way. The young lady had just received her driver's license and wanted to practice on the interstates. Others injured in the crash are in critical condition but will soon be on their way to recovery." Imagining news reports conveying my death WHILE I am driving is probably not very healthy, but my mind definitely went there today!
Then I concluded that now would actually be a very convenient time for me to die. I feel weird saying this but let me explain why I am. Right now I am living at home. The only bills I pay are my student loans, which would disappear if I were to go. Right now I am an on-call at Macy's so it's not like they would really miss me. My position as a secretary could also be easily replaced. Right now I am on good terms with pretty much everyone in my life. I have no significant other that would die of a broken heart. My family would take it very hard of course, but time would heal my absence.
When I finally got back to my neighborhood I looked up in the sky and there these HUGE cloud formations in the sky. It was truly beautiful. I started to imagine how infinite the universe was and how incredible tiny I am. This realization made me feel very free. It was a good kind of free too. Like things really aren't so bad. Like I don't have control. This sometimes make me freak out...not being in control. But having that responsibility taken away from me is such a blessing. I don't know what God is going to do with the rest of my life, however long that may be, but I am excited for the future and how I will be used.
So that's a little peek into my brain activity for the day.
Thank you God for all that You have done in my life and for all that You are going to do.
For one thing, I drove on the freeway for the first time. SO FREAKIN' SCARY!!!! Haha. It doesn't help that there isn't a freeway close to my house. I had to change freeways four times just to find my way back to Whittier. Then I have to get back on the regular streets and take all these back hill streets to get back in my neighborhood. Getting to my house is such a chore! Now I get why everyone gets lost whenever they come to my house for the first time. Haha.
It was a rather long escapade. But before I hopped on the 57 I started praying. I said, "God, please don't let me and my dad die. Help me not to mess up and kill anyone either." Then I started to imagine what life would be like if me and my dad did die. At first I thought, Jeez that would be a really horrible way to go. I could hear the news report on TV. "A young lady and her father were killed in a 7 car pile up on the free way. The young lady had just received her driver's license and wanted to practice on the interstates. Others injured in the crash are in critical condition but will soon be on their way to recovery." Imagining news reports conveying my death WHILE I am driving is probably not very healthy, but my mind definitely went there today!
Then I concluded that now would actually be a very convenient time for me to die. I feel weird saying this but let me explain why I am. Right now I am living at home. The only bills I pay are my student loans, which would disappear if I were to go. Right now I am an on-call at Macy's so it's not like they would really miss me. My position as a secretary could also be easily replaced. Right now I am on good terms with pretty much everyone in my life. I have no significant other that would die of a broken heart. My family would take it very hard of course, but time would heal my absence.
When I finally got back to my neighborhood I looked up in the sky and there these HUGE cloud formations in the sky. It was truly beautiful. I started to imagine how infinite the universe was and how incredible tiny I am. This realization made me feel very free. It was a good kind of free too. Like things really aren't so bad. Like I don't have control. This sometimes make me freak out...not being in control. But having that responsibility taken away from me is such a blessing. I don't know what God is going to do with the rest of my life, however long that may be, but I am excited for the future and how I will be used.
So that's a little peek into my brain activity for the day.
Thank you God for all that You have done in my life and for all that You are going to do.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Prayer Changes Things
God answers prayers all the time. I forget that a lot. Usually because He doesn't answer the way I want Him to. But today my prayers were answered exactly the way I wanted them to be. Here is a list if things that I think contributed to that:
1)I prayed.
And when I say I prayed I mean it wasn't a fleeting idea that floated in and out of my brain in the same nanosecond. I prayed for two whole days practically non-stop. The kind of praying that was very honest and gut wrenching. I told God exactly what I wanted, why I wanted it, and asked Him to change my desires should they not be aligned with His.
2)I humbled myself.
I was praying about a confrontation that I was going to have with an ex-boyfriend. Now, there's a lot of baggage that comes from ending a relationship. There's a lot of finger-pointing that can happen, a lot of bitterness, and words spoken without thinking. I realized that what I thought was righteous anger was not righteous at all. I had to apologize for a few things that I had said. That took a lot of time for me to realize, but once I did I felt a huge weight lifted from me. It's so weird how when we think we are right about something that "righteousness" can become more of a burden than a jewel on our crowns so so speak. Humbling myself hurt my pride at first, but in the end I know it was for the best. God desires a humble heart. That's the kind of heart He can mold and work with.
3)I talked to people about it.
I am a very confidential person. (Which is probably weird to say since I keep a blog that goes into detail about very personal stuff) But on the other hand, I know I have a hard time opening up to people WHILE I am going through something. I usually inform people at the tail end of a trial just to let them know what was going on. I can't tell you how many times people have said to me "I wish I would have known, Jen. I would have totally been there for you!" But this time I let out my frustrations to a number of people and with that came a lot of insight. I guess this can be linked to the whole being humble thing. Hearing other people's points of view on a situation brings in support, prayer, sympathy, and correction. I can't get anything like that by musing over a situation all by myself.
So here's to another lesson learned in the year 2011.
Thank you Lord for Your consistency!
1)I prayed.
And when I say I prayed I mean it wasn't a fleeting idea that floated in and out of my brain in the same nanosecond. I prayed for two whole days practically non-stop. The kind of praying that was very honest and gut wrenching. I told God exactly what I wanted, why I wanted it, and asked Him to change my desires should they not be aligned with His.
2)I humbled myself.
I was praying about a confrontation that I was going to have with an ex-boyfriend. Now, there's a lot of baggage that comes from ending a relationship. There's a lot of finger-pointing that can happen, a lot of bitterness, and words spoken without thinking. I realized that what I thought was righteous anger was not righteous at all. I had to apologize for a few things that I had said. That took a lot of time for me to realize, but once I did I felt a huge weight lifted from me. It's so weird how when we think we are right about something that "righteousness" can become more of a burden than a jewel on our crowns so so speak. Humbling myself hurt my pride at first, but in the end I know it was for the best. God desires a humble heart. That's the kind of heart He can mold and work with.
3)I talked to people about it.
I am a very confidential person. (Which is probably weird to say since I keep a blog that goes into detail about very personal stuff) But on the other hand, I know I have a hard time opening up to people WHILE I am going through something. I usually inform people at the tail end of a trial just to let them know what was going on. I can't tell you how many times people have said to me "I wish I would have known, Jen. I would have totally been there for you!" But this time I let out my frustrations to a number of people and with that came a lot of insight. I guess this can be linked to the whole being humble thing. Hearing other people's points of view on a situation brings in support, prayer, sympathy, and correction. I can't get anything like that by musing over a situation all by myself.
So here's to another lesson learned in the year 2011.
Thank you Lord for Your consistency!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Power. I don't have it.
A LOT of things are going on in my life right now. To sum it all up there's a lot of relationship drama. From friends to family to co-workers, I feel like there isn't one place in my life that is "under control." I have never felt so lost in a tail spin before. Okay, it's nothing tragic. Things could be a lot worse and I know that there are some people who do have it way worse. But there are quite a few things that are weighing on my heart late at night. You know, the kind of things that you think about before you go to sleep? You are lying in your bed and all of sudden you are hit with all these fears, worries, unanswered prayers, regrets, and hurtful memories. I regret to say that I spent most of last week feeling torn apart by a lot of these things. There were only a few days of the week that I didn't tear up at least once a day.
I felt hopeless.
Cut off.
Without an escape.
Trapped.
A lot of these issues have been on my prayer list for a very long time, and as a result, I had resolved in my mind that things wouldn't and couldn't be changed. I literally said to myself, "This is just too big. I'm just going to have to survive through this and try my best to come out alive."
Somewhere in the middle of all that I sincerely felt like God was trapped too. The darkness was too strong. It all was just too big for Him to handle.
But I no longer feel that way. Within the last two weeks I have noticed a theme in my daily devotions, Bible studies I have gone to, Sunday morning services, and worship songs on Pandora...God's power. Verse after verse after verse has been brought to my attention where God exhibits His power, His promise to do good by me, His promise to not only help me survive and come out alive but to do the fighting for me. And that's where the light bulb turned on in my head. HE was going to do the fighting. Not me. So I needed to step out of the way and stop acting like it was my job to do everything. And I needed to stop thinking that it was my job to tell God what He was and was not capable of. Instead of throwing my hands up and saying, "I give up" I need to turn that into, "I am giving this to you, God." Once I do that, then I don't have to feel like I have failed when I get tired. I don't have to lose hope when I feel like I have no control. God has everything in the palm of His hand and He CAN do anything. He can heal, He can make things new, He can give strength and endurance because He has a never ending supply of that. It feels good to know that Someone does these days.
I felt hopeless.
Cut off.
Without an escape.
Trapped.
A lot of these issues have been on my prayer list for a very long time, and as a result, I had resolved in my mind that things wouldn't and couldn't be changed. I literally said to myself, "This is just too big. I'm just going to have to survive through this and try my best to come out alive."
Somewhere in the middle of all that I sincerely felt like God was trapped too. The darkness was too strong. It all was just too big for Him to handle.
But I no longer feel that way. Within the last two weeks I have noticed a theme in my daily devotions, Bible studies I have gone to, Sunday morning services, and worship songs on Pandora...God's power. Verse after verse after verse has been brought to my attention where God exhibits His power, His promise to do good by me, His promise to not only help me survive and come out alive but to do the fighting for me. And that's where the light bulb turned on in my head. HE was going to do the fighting. Not me. So I needed to step out of the way and stop acting like it was my job to do everything. And I needed to stop thinking that it was my job to tell God what He was and was not capable of. Instead of throwing my hands up and saying, "I give up" I need to turn that into, "I am giving this to you, God." Once I do that, then I don't have to feel like I have failed when I get tired. I don't have to lose hope when I feel like I have no control. God has everything in the palm of His hand and He CAN do anything. He can heal, He can make things new, He can give strength and endurance because He has a never ending supply of that. It feels good to know that Someone does these days.
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