So, that was cool.

Thank God for children. Especially the kind that know how to be cute without getting on your nerves.

Today I met Grace. She is a blonde-haired blue eyed beauty that is going to be a knock out when she grows up. When I first saw her she seemed super shy and scared. Then she turned around and looked at me with her blue eyes are started barking. I said, "And what are you supposed to be? A dog?"
"Nooooo!" she said and she continued with her little charade. Then I noticed on the tail end of her woof she put a whoooo. So she was saying "Woofwhooo!"
"Then what are you supposed to be?" I asked again.
"A dog owl!" She said. "Guess, what? Dog owls look like dogs but they have big owl eyes! And and and, guess what? They can turn their heads all around the way behind their head!"
This little girl was starting to make me smile...
"Wow, I said. Do you have a dog owl?"
"Noooo" she laughed. "But guess what? I have a dog. Her name is Sophia, but you can call her Sophie or Soph."
Now I was starting to fall in love with this little one.
"And guess what?"
"What?" I said sincerely interested.
"I have a turtle and his name is Myrtle."
She had my heart.
So basically my night was turned around by a little girl named Grace whose favorite phrase is "guess what?" and has a turtle named Myrtle. :)

Park Musings: November 29, 2010

The smell of freshly cut grass is so comforting to me. It might be because it reminds of when my dad would cut the lawn at the house I was born in. Or because its a really good smell. Or it could be because it symbolizes the shedding of something old so that something new can come, so that things will look better, clean, and fresh. But something else comes with the freshly cut grass- the mess. The old pieces are strewn about the sidewalk and it makes everything look messy and unorganized. But then someone comes along to blow it all away. That makes everything look better, but I kind of feel bad for the old grass. All it did was get too long. Too scraggly. Maybe it even let a little weeds gather around it. So in order for it to grow properly, it had to be cut in half. I'm not a piece of grass, but I feel like this is very applicable to what God is trying to teach me about myself.

In the eyes of my starfish...

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I recently had to end a relationship that was very dear to my heart. The waves of from the break of that tidal wave have started to hit me. The sadness, the feeling of missing him, the feeling like something is missing, the feeling of hope for the future of him...soon followed by trying to convince myself that I shouldn't hope. That I need to be satisfied with the decision that I made, regardless if it was what I wanted to do or not. That is the problem right now. I have been struggling with whether or not this decision was the right one to make. I run over the reasons in my head and all I feel is the pain of loss.
I was in church the other day and as I was taking notes I started to draw. I do this sometimes to keep from falling asleep, or just to keep my hands occupied while I listen. This is much to the dismay of my mother, but this was different. I had an image in my brain that I needed to get out. Before I knew it I was sketching out two eyes. They were downcast with the eyebrows furrowed together. The picture conveyed my feelings exactly. The feeling of sadness and not being at peace. Immediately I felt ashamed for drawing something like that in church. But at the same time I was proud of myself. I have NEVER been able to draw a full face, let alone have it convey an emotion. I let out a deep sigh and turned the page. This wasn't a fun feeling...not a fun feeling at all. When I got home I tore out the sketch and put it in my dresser. I didn't feel like throwing it away.
Later that day I was listening to the radio and I heard a song that said this, "I've had so many questions without any answers..." That spoke to my heart. It was exactly what I felt. I had so many questions. I wished that God would show me that's what he wanted me to do. Or at least tell me that He was still with me, then I would feel more at peace. I decided to look up the name of the song. It turned out to be "When Tears Fall" by Tim Hughes. I looked up the song on youtube to hear the whole thing and I clicked on the first result that came up. The very first image that I saw was a picture of two eyes...downcast with sadness. I listened to the rest of the song and it lifted my soul. So thank you to My God who made His presence known. Thank you to my God who, even though I have many questions, is faithful to His children. I still don't know how things are going to work out, but I know God is with me, and He will guide my every step.

Lessons...

I have learned many lessons since graduating college. There are going to many more I am sure, but here are a few to start off with...

1) Hard work pays off- I graduated college! I didn't know there were so many people around today that cannot say that. All the hard work I have put into my studies since high school has paid off. I have a bachelor's degree that no one can take away from me. I know I am not the sharpest tool in the shed yet, but at least I am worth picking up once in a while!

2) Money makes the world go 'round. This is a sad lesson, but it's true. After graduating I realized how important it is. Not that it should be the only thing I care about, but I need to be wise with it.

3) Good things come to those who work for it. There are no handouts in this world. You have to work hard to get what you want. And that's the best way to do it anyway. Then you can sincerely appreciate it.

4) Family is important. Moving back home after graduating was one of the hardest transitions that I had to make. After living on my own for so long it was hard to be under the same roof as my parents. It felt like I was taking a step back, but the truth was that I needed to reconnect with them. It's been really hard, but I am glad that the bonds I had before I left for college are starting to take root again. They are different roots so to speak since I am a much different person than I was when I left, but they are roots all the same. Getting to know my family again has been trying, but worth while. I am also grateful them because they let me move back in! So many of my friends didn't have the option of going back home. I did with no questions asked. And it has been SO helpful seeing as how I am in the middle of figuring out this post grad life!

5) And last but not least, here is the lesson I recently learned. God answers prayer. Sometimes it comes as soon as you send it up to Him, and sometimes it takes a long time. But if you trust in Him then the time-line doesn't make a difference. There is nothing like getting that tap on the shoulder or that hug in your heart when you know God is making a move. Coupled with this lesson I came to this realization: The Lord gives and he takes away. God's pruning shears sometimes leave some open wounds, but that's usually because you were resisting the trimming process. I recently had to let go of someone that God brought into my life in the early days of summer. He became my best friend over night. Our friendship was something that I prayed for and received just when I needed it. It taught me a lot about myself and who I was in Christ. Then our friendship took a different turn in September. We realized there were deeper feelings behind the friendship. Coming to this realization was both a blessing and a curse. One of the most amazing things to discover was that I was in love with my best friend. However, I had to do some deep soul searching within in myself. What I found was hard to come to terms to. One voice in my heart said to let go. Another voice said that I needed to fight for what I wanted. Several other voices chimed in. Some inside and some outside. Some from people, some from God, some from my dreams, and some from my random brain activity. But I could not come to terms with myself. All the while I tried to convince myself that I was at peace. And then one day, I got tired of fighting with all these voices. I tried to listen to only one. I tried to block everything out except for God's voice. I prayed and prayed and prayed. God seemed silent. I yearned for His voice, yet I felt so disconnected from Him. Why wasn't He answering me? All I could hear were the voices of the people around me and....oh, wait....
It dawned on me. God had been speaking to me the whole time, I just wasn't willing to listen and obey.
Fighting with God is one of the most exhausting things a person can do. I mean think about it...Jonah ended up in a whale fighting against God! And where did I end up? Well not in a whale, but in a place where I was trying to please everyone, but couldn't. So I had only one option, to please the one closest to me...God. I chose what He had put in my heart to do. And that was not easy, let me tell you. I have some dark days ahead. My heart is going to take time to heal. I don't know what He is going to do, but I trust that my desire to do His will and not my own will bring better days.

The Truth Project.

I started two things this week. The first is a book called "The Artist's Way." It's a book that takes you though a creative journey, searches thorough your heart to get rid of the things that make it hard to take yourself seriously as an artist. It's a book about coming to the realization that you can be an artist despite the ghosts of doubt in the back of your head. The other thing that started was The Truth Project with my college group. It's come at a perfect time because my mind has been clouded by so many questions lately. It's going to be an interesting journey.

It finally hit me

I have been rather low this past week. I really didn't know why until today. It finally hit me that my life has severely changed. Yesterday my parents were talking to Gabby about her moving into APU, orientation, her meal plan and such. I was suddenly hit with this wave of jealousy. That isn't my life anymore. APU is no longer MY campus. It's going to be part of my past now. I am sincerely sad about this. I wish that I could go back and be in the hustle and bustle of the dorms and apartments. Today I finally but a title to my sadness "I miss my friends, I miss the theatre, I miss APU." I am never going to walk from University Village to the theatre for rehearsal. I am never going to walk down Cougar Walk and look around to see if any of my friends are hanging out there. I am glad that my time there was finished off with receiving a diploma, but I miss the memories that I was continually making. Even if I wasn't doing anything in the theatre coming back to my apartment would be a memory making process. I miss those girls. I miss the girls nights filled with episodes of "Friends" and late pancakes snacks, movie nights, and girl talks that led to sleeping on the couch and complaining about back pain in the morning. Haha...Oh, those were the days. Ugh, am I really old enough to be saying that? 'Those were the days.' Oh goodness. Anyways, the point is that I miss everything over there. It will never be the same. Such is the life of a post grad.

Jennifer Carbajal May 11, 1988 - .........

A friend of mine has been feeding me books from the Anne of Green Gables series. In each book she would put tasks for me to do when I came to a certain part of the book. This act was one of the many saving graces during my depression. It gave me something to do, something to look forward to, something to make me feel like I was worth all the time that was put into it. I am now on the third book and I am enjoying doing all the little tasks in between my reading. The other day I was given this task " Go find a graveyard, the older the better, and take a journal and sit. Walk around and find three different graves that stick out to you. Journal about why they mean something to you."
I fulfilled this task the other day. And it was a very interesting experience. Josh took me. He and I had planned to hang out Sunday after church and he had left it up to me to decide what we would do. I was sure he was going to protest. Or tell me that I was weird and had issues. But he didn't. So we went to the Olive Lawn Memorial Cemetery by my house. It was a small cemetery. Not very old. But just being there felt like being part of history. But it felt like time stopped while we were there. We wondered around in silence at first. Kind of just taking in the scene before us. It was a beautiful day. The sun was out, but it wasn't too hot. There was a light breeze in the air. And the conversation was poetic. Josh and I set out to find the oldest grave there. We might have missed an older one, but we got as far back as 1851...
1851: What was going on then? How did people dress? It's amazing how much time has passed since then! So many suns and moons have passed over that grave since it was placed there. 1851. That was 100 years before my father's was born. Time...it's such a strange thing to fathom. You can't capture it. Sure you can take picture, record, post on facebook. but nothing can ever be like the real thing. No matter how much we try to recreate a moment in time, it will always be perfect when and how it happens.
The second grave I found was heartbreaking. It was a child that was born in 1947 and died in 1947. how hard would that be? To bring a child into the worked and have it taken away? Did they baby pass unexpectedly? did the parents know it was coming? Sometimes i wonder if that will happen to me. I don't know if I want to have kids but if I do I hope that everything turns out alright. I once had to play a character who miscarried. I just couldn't identify with that kind of pain. How hard it must have been for those parents to bury their child. All the time they spent waiting for their baby was shattered.
The most interesting thing that I found was a plaque on a wall in the cemetery. There were two names. One of them had a birth date and a death date under it. The other name had a birth date and then a dash. He hadn't died yet. I started to wonder what it must be like to see your name on a plaque knowing that the cemetery was just waiting to put the other date on it. It was a chilling thought. Then I started to think about how some people fear death. As soon as I thought that Josh asked me, "If you had a chance to know how you were going to die, would you want to know?" I had to think about this for a long time. On the one hand it would be nice to know because then I wouldn't be afraid to do anything because I could take chances and know that I wouldn't die. On the other hand, I would live in fear of that thing and avoid it at all costs. It might become a subconscious phobia or something like that. I decided that I wouldn't want to know. Because I wanted to be free. I wouldn't want to have anything hanging over my head for the rest of my life. I don't think I would want to know my expiration date. I would rather have the date of my birth known and have that dash hanging over my head, but I will not fear it.
That's what I learned from this escapade. Death is final, but it is beautiful. Walking around that cemetery was such a cool experience. Josh and I had a deep conversation about lots of things. Standing so close to death, literally standing there, put things into perspective.

A different perspective

Yesterday was the 4th of July. Despite being invited to several places I decided to spend it with my family. Last year I spent it with friends and the year before I was on tour with APU's Drama Ministry Team. It felt good to help my mother run about the kitchen trying to prepare our food. We had quite a feast: BBQ ribs, chicken, corn bread, bakes beans, with apple pie and lemon tarts to follow. We went to the Freedom Celebration after to enjoy some fireworks. The show was beautiful. I hadn't seen a firework show like that in quite a few years. The colors and designs were breathtaking. After the show was over my family spend the next half hour trying walking back to our car that we had to park a mile away. While we walked we could hear the distant and not so distant popping of illegal fireworks being blown up all around us. Then this thought popped in my head. We celebrate the 4th of July by setting off fireworks that symbolize the warfare that we went through for the Independence of our country right? Then it got me to thinking about what it would be like if these fireworks were REAL bombs going off. I was walking with my dad with my arms in his. So I closed my eyes and tried to imagine myself in the middle of gunfire. I could smell the fumes from the explosions and hear the distant pops. I started to think of the places around the world that hear these sounds everyday, except that they aren't for pleasure. When they hear these sounds the have to duck and cover. They have to run for their life. I thought about this for the rest of the night and it opened my eyes to a different level of patriotism. Sure, I have known what it means to be grateful for those that have served our country. But I seem to always take for granted the peace that I enjoy in this country every single day. I don't have to wake up in the morning and hope that my house doesn't get bombed or raided. I don't have to worry about being caught in a crossfire walking to the grocery store. For that I am ever so grateful.

This has got to be one of the most precious things I have ever found!

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2zpRjB/www.rotatingcorpse.com/dear_diary/please-dont-promise-me-forever/3027.html

Today was an interesting day. I have gone back to my habit of taking a walk in the morning. Last summer it was part of my fight against my depression. This summer it is just something that I want to do. I miss walking around campus. I loved the feeling of the air whisking past me and the small work out I would get. My heart would pump and I could sort of feel my arteries saying thank you. Anyways, today was my second day of walking in the morning. I saw a lot of the same people that were there yesterday. There's three ladies who walk and talk: an Asian, and African American, and a Mexican. There's a high school boy who sits on a bench and plays his guitar. There's a very important looking man who walks around with his bluetooth in his ear. He doesn't seem to be enjoying his walk. There's a nurse who seems to be there to just get a breath of fresh air. She walks briskly and with purpose. There's a married couple that jogs with their kids. One is in a stroller and the other two are on scooters. And then there's the old couple. They are my favorite. And this is why...
Last year when I was taking my walks I was taking them to help me get over my depression. It was hard to walk around that park because I was reliving a lot of tender memories that had been made there. One of the first times I went I saw this old couple walking in front of me. They were walking hand in hand, and the wife had a pink umbrella. At the time the sight of them made me want to cry. That's what I had dreamed of and that's what had been taken away from me. But at the same time it brought joy to my heart because it gave me hope. It reminded me that it is possible to find someone and still be in love with them and want to hold their hand as you walk together in a park. And now, here I am. One year later...and who do I see walking around my Palace of Memories? The old couple. I didn't take a stalker photo of them this time because I was so elated with joy at the sight of them that I didn't even think to do it. I recognized her pink umbrella. This time they were walking towards me. The old man wished me Good Morning and the wife smiled at me. They were still holding hands. I smiled ridiculously wide and laughed a little too loud for someone who is walking alone, but I really didn't care. This summer is going to be different than the last, but that doesn't mean that everything has changed. Some things stay the same and last. Like love...

"Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:8

The Return

Wow. It's been a while since I have written in this blog. I have neglected it for many reasons. But I am happy to say that I am back. That phrase in itself is a miracle for me to say. It means many things. I plan to return to this blog and use it for my musings. They will probably not be as intellectual as others, but might be entertaining to read. So enjoy.