Park Musings: November 29, 2010

The smell of freshly cut grass is so comforting to me. It might be because it reminds of when my dad would cut the lawn at the house I was born in. Or because its a really good smell. Or it could be because it symbolizes the shedding of something old so that something new can come, so that things will look better, clean, and fresh. But something else comes with the freshly cut grass- the mess. The old pieces are strewn about the sidewalk and it makes everything look messy and unorganized. But then someone comes along to blow it all away. That makes everything look better, but I kind of feel bad for the old grass. All it did was get too long. Too scraggly. Maybe it even let a little weeds gather around it. So in order for it to grow properly, it had to be cut in half. I'm not a piece of grass, but I feel like this is very applicable to what God is trying to teach me about myself.

In the eyes of my starfish...

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I recently had to end a relationship that was very dear to my heart. The waves of from the break of that tidal wave have started to hit me. The sadness, the feeling of missing him, the feeling like something is missing, the feeling of hope for the future of him...soon followed by trying to convince myself that I shouldn't hope. That I need to be satisfied with the decision that I made, regardless if it was what I wanted to do or not. That is the problem right now. I have been struggling with whether or not this decision was the right one to make. I run over the reasons in my head and all I feel is the pain of loss.
I was in church the other day and as I was taking notes I started to draw. I do this sometimes to keep from falling asleep, or just to keep my hands occupied while I listen. This is much to the dismay of my mother, but this was different. I had an image in my brain that I needed to get out. Before I knew it I was sketching out two eyes. They were downcast with the eyebrows furrowed together. The picture conveyed my feelings exactly. The feeling of sadness and not being at peace. Immediately I felt ashamed for drawing something like that in church. But at the same time I was proud of myself. I have NEVER been able to draw a full face, let alone have it convey an emotion. I let out a deep sigh and turned the page. This wasn't a fun feeling...not a fun feeling at all. When I got home I tore out the sketch and put it in my dresser. I didn't feel like throwing it away.
Later that day I was listening to the radio and I heard a song that said this, "I've had so many questions without any answers..." That spoke to my heart. It was exactly what I felt. I had so many questions. I wished that God would show me that's what he wanted me to do. Or at least tell me that He was still with me, then I would feel more at peace. I decided to look up the name of the song. It turned out to be "When Tears Fall" by Tim Hughes. I looked up the song on youtube to hear the whole thing and I clicked on the first result that came up. The very first image that I saw was a picture of two eyes...downcast with sadness. I listened to the rest of the song and it lifted my soul. So thank you to My God who made His presence known. Thank you to my God who, even though I have many questions, is faithful to His children. I still don't know how things are going to work out, but I know God is with me, and He will guide my every step.

Lessons...

I have learned many lessons since graduating college. There are going to many more I am sure, but here are a few to start off with...

1) Hard work pays off- I graduated college! I didn't know there were so many people around today that cannot say that. All the hard work I have put into my studies since high school has paid off. I have a bachelor's degree that no one can take away from me. I know I am not the sharpest tool in the shed yet, but at least I am worth picking up once in a while!

2) Money makes the world go 'round. This is a sad lesson, but it's true. After graduating I realized how important it is. Not that it should be the only thing I care about, but I need to be wise with it.

3) Good things come to those who work for it. There are no handouts in this world. You have to work hard to get what you want. And that's the best way to do it anyway. Then you can sincerely appreciate it.

4) Family is important. Moving back home after graduating was one of the hardest transitions that I had to make. After living on my own for so long it was hard to be under the same roof as my parents. It felt like I was taking a step back, but the truth was that I needed to reconnect with them. It's been really hard, but I am glad that the bonds I had before I left for college are starting to take root again. They are different roots so to speak since I am a much different person than I was when I left, but they are roots all the same. Getting to know my family again has been trying, but worth while. I am also grateful them because they let me move back in! So many of my friends didn't have the option of going back home. I did with no questions asked. And it has been SO helpful seeing as how I am in the middle of figuring out this post grad life!

5) And last but not least, here is the lesson I recently learned. God answers prayer. Sometimes it comes as soon as you send it up to Him, and sometimes it takes a long time. But if you trust in Him then the time-line doesn't make a difference. There is nothing like getting that tap on the shoulder or that hug in your heart when you know God is making a move. Coupled with this lesson I came to this realization: The Lord gives and he takes away. God's pruning shears sometimes leave some open wounds, but that's usually because you were resisting the trimming process. I recently had to let go of someone that God brought into my life in the early days of summer. He became my best friend over night. Our friendship was something that I prayed for and received just when I needed it. It taught me a lot about myself and who I was in Christ. Then our friendship took a different turn in September. We realized there were deeper feelings behind the friendship. Coming to this realization was both a blessing and a curse. One of the most amazing things to discover was that I was in love with my best friend. However, I had to do some deep soul searching within in myself. What I found was hard to come to terms to. One voice in my heart said to let go. Another voice said that I needed to fight for what I wanted. Several other voices chimed in. Some inside and some outside. Some from people, some from God, some from my dreams, and some from my random brain activity. But I could not come to terms with myself. All the while I tried to convince myself that I was at peace. And then one day, I got tired of fighting with all these voices. I tried to listen to only one. I tried to block everything out except for God's voice. I prayed and prayed and prayed. God seemed silent. I yearned for His voice, yet I felt so disconnected from Him. Why wasn't He answering me? All I could hear were the voices of the people around me and....oh, wait....
It dawned on me. God had been speaking to me the whole time, I just wasn't willing to listen and obey.
Fighting with God is one of the most exhausting things a person can do. I mean think about it...Jonah ended up in a whale fighting against God! And where did I end up? Well not in a whale, but in a place where I was trying to please everyone, but couldn't. So I had only one option, to please the one closest to me...God. I chose what He had put in my heart to do. And that was not easy, let me tell you. I have some dark days ahead. My heart is going to take time to heal. I don't know what He is going to do, but I trust that my desire to do His will and not my own will bring better days.