Answered Prayer

There are a lot of new things going on right now. First of all, I have been offered a position at Macy's. Thank God! I am tired of begging for hours. Also, I just got a job as a transcriber for an insurance claims investigator.
And something that I am really excited about is YAF. The Young Adult Fellowship that is starting at my church. The church hasn't had a college age group before and a few of us are starting to get the ball rolling on it. It's really cool to be at the beginning of something like this. We are trying to get more people to come, plan events, and get more people connected to the church. I am excited to see what God is going to do through this ministry and this church. And speaking of ministries, they are going to start a Theatre Ministry too! I am finally starting to see the stars align in my life! Haha! And just in time too...

I am always amazed by how God works in my life. This is an entry from a journal entry I wrote on December 21, 2010:

I am experiencing a season of dryness. Dryness of soul, dryness of friends, dryness of joy. Sure, there’s a little glimmer here and there, but I can’t shake this constant feeling of frustration. I don’t like it. I don’t like life right now. Sure, its not as bad as it could be. But there’s got to be something more. I just haven’t found the key to unlocking it yet. God, please help me. I want to be content where I am. But I know where I am isn’t exactly where You want me. I don’t feel like I am being used. I feel useless.

Sunday night was the first official Young Adult Fellowship meeting at my church with a Bible study and everything. A group of us got together beforehand and prayed for what was about to take place. We weren't sure who was coming or if we were going to have awkward cliques. But we earnestly prayed for God to work and bring people in and that it would be a good time of fellowship. And it was!
Something was said during worship that really stuck out to me.

"Don't just be what I need, God. Be what I want."

After I heard that I had one of those...moments. You know, the ones where you find yourself stop breathing for a few seconds, where you feel something in your brain literally light up, when all of a sudden you realize that you've just heard something that makes the world seem a little less confusing. Yeah, it felt like that. Sure, I know I need God. But do I want Him? Like really want Him for who He is and not because I've been told that I need him or that I should want him? Gives you something to think about, huh? Well, for people who like to think (like me), I wrote the quote down to look at later for further contemplation.
Then we got into the study. We are going through the book of Romans. First of all, I love Paul's writings. So I was already a happy camper. But there were a lot of key points that resonated in my heart as I heard them.

The first that stuck out to me was in verse 1. "Paul, a bondservant of Jesus Christ, called to be an apostle, separated to the gospel of God." It was pointed out that if you are separated TO something then you are separated FROM something in order to DO something.

The next point the speaker made was that is it's easy to fall into complacency and apathy. It's easy to not be separated. It's easy to get distracted from what you are supposed to do. It may seem like a fundamental lesson, but it occurred to me that it takes a lot of hard work to do what you are called to do. It's so stinkin' easy to fall into a routine, to fall into mediocrity, to fall into just going with the flow. It takes a lot of discipline to pull yourself out of complacency and apathy.
Then the speaker said, "And when you get to this point, you will never feel so dry. You will never feel so unsatisfied with your life then when you aren't doing what you are supposed to do."
Immediately my mind recalled the entry I had made in my journal a month ago. Then I had another one of those moments. The ones where you say to yourself, "Wow...that was totally for ME to hear right now."
I came to this horrifying conclusion: I'm not doing what I am supposed to do! It kind of felt like that moment when you realize you've written a 10 page paper on the wrong topic or when you aren't using the right format. Haha!
The speaker went on to say that the love and grace that we have been given through Jesus Christ is something that needs to be given out. And in that act we find victory over the dryness in our soul. We have the power to not only change our own lives, but other lives as well. But I've heard that before so no biggy, right? Exceeeeept that I wonder if I really understand the power that the gospel of Christ can have over another human being. If I truly understood who and what is backing me up, would I be so afraid to step out in faith? To talk to a stranger? To keep myself and others accountable? Would it be so scary to trust that God isn't wasting my time by not opening the doors of Hollywood to me in the first year after my graduation? I have just been sitting here worried that my two non-theatre related jobs are sucking the creativity out of me when the reality is that my Creator has placed me there for a reason. I need to make the most of where I am because if I can't handle being a good witness there then how am I going to be an effective Christian in the entertainment industry? The parable of the three men with the talents comes to my mind now. When their boss came back one of them hadn't done anything with what he was given. I think I was starting to fall in his footsteps in the respect that I was saying, "God, I'm not working in anything theatre-related, so I'm just gonna hang out and earn money until you open the doors. Just let me know when I need to put on my Christian again badge, okay? Okay."
Eeeek, what a scary place to be! Who says that just because I feel a calling to be in the entertainment industry that that's the only place I will be used by God? Or that's the only place that I should invest my time or try to make a difference?
It finally dawned on me that God wants me to get back to the basics. Learn to love to spend time with Him first and foremost. In that alone will I find satisfaction. God has so many promises for me in His word. He says, "For your heavenly Father knows that you need in all things. But first seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added to you" (Matt. 6:32-33). I am chuckling as I read this because it's such a simple concept but it's so difficult to execute! Evenso, it's a promise and God does not break His promises.
So I guess I am sharing this to give a little encouragement to all my post graduate comrades. Take heart in the fact that God DOES answer prayer. He brought to light why I am feeling so frustrated. I have been neglecting Him. But He's not only showing me where I need to change but He has lovingly provided an arrow to pointing down the avenue to change. AND, to my great delight, my church is starting a theatre ministry! It's still in the bud, but it makes me oh so excited for the future!
So pour your heart out to God and listen for His answer.
Don't just survive through post grad life, but actually live it.
Seize the moment.
Don't forget who gave them to you.
Don't forget why they were given to you.

Hospitality Services.

Today was an absolutely beautiful day.
First of all, I slept really well last night. I was nice and warm and woke up rested. I got up and went to church with my family, and then came home and had lunch. It consisted of leftovers from last night's Japanese tempura dinner. Oh, it was soooo good! Then my mom had this bright idea to go to Oak Glen. Oak Glen...mmmm, just hearing the name put me in an even better mood. You see, my parents used to take me there when I was little. It's a little town with trinket shops and a petting zoo. There's nice, old ma and pa restaurants, and general feeling of peace and quiet. I always remember that place with fondness...Well, except for this one time I tried to feed this goat thing and it bit my finger, but nonetheless, that place holds good memories.
So we finished up lunch and got on the road. It started to rain as we pulled out of the driveway, and that made me hope that it would be snowing by the time we got to Yucaipa.
Now, let it be known that this adventure was going to consist of my mother, sister, and I riding in the same car for about two hours and spending the rest of the day with each other. My father was sick so he stayed home. This could have easily have turned into a very dangerous situation. The holiday season usually leads us into a series of stressful and catastrophic family outings. So by the time New Years comes around we are too worn out from dealing with each other. But by the grace of God this new year has brought a new hope of healing between us girls in the Carbajal family. The ride up the mountain was actually a lot of fun. We sang to songs on the radio and enjoyed the scenery.
When we arrived at our destination we wandered around and then settled into a restaurant for some hot tea and apple pie. Then it started to snow! It was absolutely beautiful. I had never been in such a thick down pour of snow before. This was no little drop of ice here and there kind of snow. This was real, fluffy flurries of powdered sugar from the sky! We frolicked and took pictures and had a grand old time. It was absolutely perfect.
Then we decided to stop at an old friends house for a little visit. Now, this part of my day is what inspired me to write this blog. We were visiting our dear friends Greg and Becky Peck. They have known my parents since before I was born and I have known them my whole life. They have been to every major event in my life thus far, and I consider Becky to be my adopted aunt. She is just a few years older than my mother and the sweetest person you will ever meet. She has a hilarious sense of humor and is incredibly creative. Her house is covered in literally hundreds of decorations that she has made with her own hands. She does ceramics, pottery, painting, weaving, and sculpting. I have never met a more down to earth woman of God.
And there just this feeling you get when you walk into her house...tonight was the first night I could put words to that feeling.
Rest. Comfort. Safety. Peace.
Something about that household radiates the love of Christ. You can feel it in the glow of her handmade candles. You can see it in the sparkle of her eyes and as she laughs at a crack she just made at herself. You can sense the Holy Spirit speaking through her as she imparts words of wisdom about life, love, art, and family.
There has never been a time where I have left that household not feeling refreshed. I feel as though I have just taken a breath of fresh air. I feel as though someone has rekindled the fire within my soul, empowering it with hope and dreams for the future.
Tonight I realized that I want my home to feel like that. I want the walls in my house to reverberate with love and comfort. One day when I am married and all my paintings are strewn about the house, I want people to walk in and be able to take their shoes off, literally and figuratively. I want my household to be a place where you can breath and just be. Just be and let the Lord work into your veins again. So I am adding this to my list of goals this year. I don't have my own place right now, but there's no harm in trying to work that glow that I see in Becky's eyes into my heart. I know that it stems from the joy of the Lord. And honestly, that feeling has become few and far between my days as of late. I pray that it will be brought back. And soon.

Hello there 2011!

Well, well, well, it's a new year! Personally, I think that 2011 is an awkward number. Saying twenty ten is much better than saying twenty eleven. Anyways, I am excited to start a new year. 2010 was a great year. It ended on a rather difficult note, but over all it was a great year. I had successfully conquered my depression, gained back some healthy weight, was cast in several shows by the end of the semester and had a blast doing all of them, graduated with a degree in Theatre Arts, had an amazing summer with new friends, fell in love and had a wonderful romance, went through heartbreak, and have become strong enough not to let that heartache take over my life. I have a job at Macy's and I'm on the brink of getting a second one as a secretary for a criminal investigator. I am also becoming involved in my church's college group. The ministry is still in the bud, but I have faith that it will grow.
I was talking to a very dear friend of mine and we both realized that even though our year's have been pretty stressful and hectic and full of heartache and tears, neither of us felt the need to make a new year's resolution. We both agreed that that was such a good feeling. Not that I feel like I have everything in order (because I know the minute that you do that God shows you where you are in adequate), but it's just nice to feel like you have some handle on your life and that you aren't worried about losing, or in my case gaining, weight. Or feel like I need to be more outgoing. Or tell myself not to be so afraid of people. Honestly, looking back at my year, I think it's one of the best that I have had. And even though it did end on a bit of a sour note, I am looking forward to when the time the desert ends and I will be able to bask in the sun and green pastures by the still waters.
At this point in my life I feel like there are so many opportunities at my fingertips. I just need to reach out and go for them.
However, now that I am looking forward, I still feel the need to set some goals for myself. Goals are good and are even better when you accomplish them. So here are some that have come to my mind so far: I want another job to help pay for my school loans AND so I can buy my own car. I need to expand my circle of friends who think like me and share the same standards of living as me. I have very high expectations for those that call themselves Christians, and unfortunately, that makes me feel like the oddball most of the time. But I know I am not alone in my thinking. I need to find people in my age group who can support me in what I believe and sort of learn with as I enter into this life of young adulthood.
I also would like to get over my fear of dancing in public. I know that it can be a beautiful release of stress and that it can be fun. I need to get over myself and onto the dance floor!