Today has been an interesting day. Though somewhat uneventful I thought I should share a few of the random things that have passed through my brain today.
For one thing, I drove on the freeway for the first time. SO FREAKIN' SCARY!!!! Haha. It doesn't help that there isn't a freeway close to my house. I had to change freeways four times just to find my way back to Whittier. Then I have to get back on the regular streets and take all these back hill streets to get back in my neighborhood. Getting to my house is such a chore! Now I get why everyone gets lost whenever they come to my house for the first time. Haha.
It was a rather long escapade. But before I hopped on the 57 I started praying. I said, "God, please don't let me and my dad die. Help me not to mess up and kill anyone either." Then I started to imagine what life would be like if me and my dad did die. At first I thought, Jeez that would be a really horrible way to go. I could hear the news report on TV. "A young lady and her father were killed in a 7 car pile up on the free way. The young lady had just received her driver's license and wanted to practice on the interstates. Others injured in the crash are in critical condition but will soon be on their way to recovery." Imagining news reports conveying my death WHILE I am driving is probably not very healthy, but my mind definitely went there today!
Then I concluded that now would actually be a very convenient time for me to die. I feel weird saying this but let me explain why I am. Right now I am living at home. The only bills I pay are my student loans, which would disappear if I were to go. Right now I am an on-call at Macy's so it's not like they would really miss me. My position as a secretary could also be easily replaced. Right now I am on good terms with pretty much everyone in my life. I have no significant other that would die of a broken heart. My family would take it very hard of course, but time would heal my absence.
When I finally got back to my neighborhood I looked up in the sky and there these HUGE cloud formations in the sky. It was truly beautiful. I started to imagine how infinite the universe was and how incredible tiny I am. This realization made me feel very free. It was a good kind of free too. Like things really aren't so bad. Like I don't have control. This sometimes make me freak out...not being in control. But having that responsibility taken away from me is such a blessing. I don't know what God is going to do with the rest of my life, however long that may be, but I am excited for the future and how I will be used.
So that's a little peek into my brain activity for the day.
Thank you God for all that You have done in my life and for all that You are going to do.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Prayer Changes Things
God answers prayers all the time. I forget that a lot. Usually because He doesn't answer the way I want Him to. But today my prayers were answered exactly the way I wanted them to be. Here is a list if things that I think contributed to that:
1)I prayed.
And when I say I prayed I mean it wasn't a fleeting idea that floated in and out of my brain in the same nanosecond. I prayed for two whole days practically non-stop. The kind of praying that was very honest and gut wrenching. I told God exactly what I wanted, why I wanted it, and asked Him to change my desires should they not be aligned with His.
2)I humbled myself.
I was praying about a confrontation that I was going to have with an ex-boyfriend. Now, there's a lot of baggage that comes from ending a relationship. There's a lot of finger-pointing that can happen, a lot of bitterness, and words spoken without thinking. I realized that what I thought was righteous anger was not righteous at all. I had to apologize for a few things that I had said. That took a lot of time for me to realize, but once I did I felt a huge weight lifted from me. It's so weird how when we think we are right about something that "righteousness" can become more of a burden than a jewel on our crowns so so speak. Humbling myself hurt my pride at first, but in the end I know it was for the best. God desires a humble heart. That's the kind of heart He can mold and work with.
3)I talked to people about it.
I am a very confidential person. (Which is probably weird to say since I keep a blog that goes into detail about very personal stuff) But on the other hand, I know I have a hard time opening up to people WHILE I am going through something. I usually inform people at the tail end of a trial just to let them know what was going on. I can't tell you how many times people have said to me "I wish I would have known, Jen. I would have totally been there for you!" But this time I let out my frustrations to a number of people and with that came a lot of insight. I guess this can be linked to the whole being humble thing. Hearing other people's points of view on a situation brings in support, prayer, sympathy, and correction. I can't get anything like that by musing over a situation all by myself.
So here's to another lesson learned in the year 2011.
Thank you Lord for Your consistency!
1)I prayed.
And when I say I prayed I mean it wasn't a fleeting idea that floated in and out of my brain in the same nanosecond. I prayed for two whole days practically non-stop. The kind of praying that was very honest and gut wrenching. I told God exactly what I wanted, why I wanted it, and asked Him to change my desires should they not be aligned with His.
2)I humbled myself.
I was praying about a confrontation that I was going to have with an ex-boyfriend. Now, there's a lot of baggage that comes from ending a relationship. There's a lot of finger-pointing that can happen, a lot of bitterness, and words spoken without thinking. I realized that what I thought was righteous anger was not righteous at all. I had to apologize for a few things that I had said. That took a lot of time for me to realize, but once I did I felt a huge weight lifted from me. It's so weird how when we think we are right about something that "righteousness" can become more of a burden than a jewel on our crowns so so speak. Humbling myself hurt my pride at first, but in the end I know it was for the best. God desires a humble heart. That's the kind of heart He can mold and work with.
3)I talked to people about it.
I am a very confidential person. (Which is probably weird to say since I keep a blog that goes into detail about very personal stuff) But on the other hand, I know I have a hard time opening up to people WHILE I am going through something. I usually inform people at the tail end of a trial just to let them know what was going on. I can't tell you how many times people have said to me "I wish I would have known, Jen. I would have totally been there for you!" But this time I let out my frustrations to a number of people and with that came a lot of insight. I guess this can be linked to the whole being humble thing. Hearing other people's points of view on a situation brings in support, prayer, sympathy, and correction. I can't get anything like that by musing over a situation all by myself.
So here's to another lesson learned in the year 2011.
Thank you Lord for Your consistency!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Power. I don't have it.
A LOT of things are going on in my life right now. To sum it all up there's a lot of relationship drama. From friends to family to co-workers, I feel like there isn't one place in my life that is "under control." I have never felt so lost in a tail spin before. Okay, it's nothing tragic. Things could be a lot worse and I know that there are some people who do have it way worse. But there are quite a few things that are weighing on my heart late at night. You know, the kind of things that you think about before you go to sleep? You are lying in your bed and all of sudden you are hit with all these fears, worries, unanswered prayers, regrets, and hurtful memories. I regret to say that I spent most of last week feeling torn apart by a lot of these things. There were only a few days of the week that I didn't tear up at least once a day.
I felt hopeless.
Cut off.
Without an escape.
Trapped.
A lot of these issues have been on my prayer list for a very long time, and as a result, I had resolved in my mind that things wouldn't and couldn't be changed. I literally said to myself, "This is just too big. I'm just going to have to survive through this and try my best to come out alive."
Somewhere in the middle of all that I sincerely felt like God was trapped too. The darkness was too strong. It all was just too big for Him to handle.
But I no longer feel that way. Within the last two weeks I have noticed a theme in my daily devotions, Bible studies I have gone to, Sunday morning services, and worship songs on Pandora...God's power. Verse after verse after verse has been brought to my attention where God exhibits His power, His promise to do good by me, His promise to not only help me survive and come out alive but to do the fighting for me. And that's where the light bulb turned on in my head. HE was going to do the fighting. Not me. So I needed to step out of the way and stop acting like it was my job to do everything. And I needed to stop thinking that it was my job to tell God what He was and was not capable of. Instead of throwing my hands up and saying, "I give up" I need to turn that into, "I am giving this to you, God." Once I do that, then I don't have to feel like I have failed when I get tired. I don't have to lose hope when I feel like I have no control. God has everything in the palm of His hand and He CAN do anything. He can heal, He can make things new, He can give strength and endurance because He has a never ending supply of that. It feels good to know that Someone does these days.
I felt hopeless.
Cut off.
Without an escape.
Trapped.
A lot of these issues have been on my prayer list for a very long time, and as a result, I had resolved in my mind that things wouldn't and couldn't be changed. I literally said to myself, "This is just too big. I'm just going to have to survive through this and try my best to come out alive."
Somewhere in the middle of all that I sincerely felt like God was trapped too. The darkness was too strong. It all was just too big for Him to handle.
But I no longer feel that way. Within the last two weeks I have noticed a theme in my daily devotions, Bible studies I have gone to, Sunday morning services, and worship songs on Pandora...God's power. Verse after verse after verse has been brought to my attention where God exhibits His power, His promise to do good by me, His promise to not only help me survive and come out alive but to do the fighting for me. And that's where the light bulb turned on in my head. HE was going to do the fighting. Not me. So I needed to step out of the way and stop acting like it was my job to do everything. And I needed to stop thinking that it was my job to tell God what He was and was not capable of. Instead of throwing my hands up and saying, "I give up" I need to turn that into, "I am giving this to you, God." Once I do that, then I don't have to feel like I have failed when I get tired. I don't have to lose hope when I feel like I have no control. God has everything in the palm of His hand and He CAN do anything. He can heal, He can make things new, He can give strength and endurance because He has a never ending supply of that. It feels good to know that Someone does these days.
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